And they drop like flies, one by one,
Entranced by the Sandman til the morning comes,
Their dreams filled with algorithms, SERPs and conversions,
While simpler people dream of fluffy white clouds or perversions,
They are the unsung heroes of the world’s commerce,
And though competing for revenue, they always join and converse,
A dichotomy society where black & white often unite,
A world where contextual defines wrong or right,
Often you do not see them, they are slouched over in a office,
Working diligently to rank you well and earn you profits,
To the unclean mass, they be not but zeros,
But in my heart, they are true SEO heroes!

For two weeks, I’ve logged in here, approved comments, went to write a post, and a few times, got almost a whole page written before I said, f!@$& it! Why, well, for whatever reason, this time of year, my writing dries up a bit. So, instead of boring you with a meaningless list of 25 ways to wear out an already tired topic, I’m just going to treat you to some humor to get us all in a more festive mood.

Holiday Humor

Just Because

In case I’m too busy being festive with friends and family to post before Christmas…

Happy Holidays!

Mmmmmm… Tastes like chicken.

Well, shit! I’d better clean up my damned mouth.

Approximately 47.5 seconds longer than I would want to live in a vacuum.

Wow! I’m 75% full of useless knowledge. Now if only I knew how to program in all those languages.

MySpace… Hmmm… Yup, I hate it!

HA! In your face! I told you I didn’t talk too much. Yeah, that’s right, you know who you are. Oh, wait, I just said that out loud, didn’t I?

38 days eh? They don’t know how used I am to getting by on a diet of coffee and cigarettes.

Speaking of coffee… BEAN ME!!!

Well, not quite yet, but still, I’m honored and surprised none the less. Apparently those “special brownies” I shipped to Mike, Bill, Greg, Rand and Danny arrived in time!

You may wonder what I am talking about and why there’s a big rubber chicken on my blog. If you were not wondering this, oh well, I’m going to explain it anyways.

Recently, Mike Blumenthal announced opening of nominations for The 2007 Top 10 List of the Bizarre, Funny and/or otherwise Irrelevant blog entries in the Search World. In true attention whore fashion, I exposed myself… publicly and somehow managed to get on the list of nominations without having indecent exposure charges slapped on me.

In their infinite wisdom (or chemically induced euphoria¹), the judges saw fit to include one of my posts (The Internet Marketer’s Nightmare) as one of the Top 10 Finalists. While I certainly never expected that this laughable excursion into loose-lipped linguistics would ever achieve critical acclaim, I am truly honored to be in the running for such a prestigious award as The Columbo. It truly is an honor just to be nominated.

The nominees for this coveted award include some big names in the SEO/SEM industry and feature some of the most humorous posts made this year. Here’s a brief run-down.

• Want traffic? Rank for High Traffic Keywords…
• We Add Words to AdWords… Google Subtracts them
• Why eBay and Wikipedia rule Google’s SERPs
• SEOs home alone – Google’s nightmare
• 13 Things to Do When Your Loved One is Away at Conferences
• SEO High School Confidential – Premiere Edition!
• The Sphinn Awards – Part I & -Part II.
• Top 21 Signs You Need a Break From SEO (2007 version)
• 10 Signs That You May Be a Blog Addict
• The SEO’s Guide to Beginners
• The Internet Marketer’s Nightmare
• Mission Accomplished — Top Ranking in Google
• Google Interiors – the day my house became searchable

I must admit that I am extremely flattered to have one of my humble works included in a list of posts that feature famous bloggers such as Dave Winget, Sebastian, Rand’s Fiancée, Li Evans, Jeff Quipp, David Harry, Matt McGee, David Wallace, Mystery Guest [WTF?] and Jonah Stein. ²

You can vote on any of the above posts here; however, I would recommend stopping by Mike’s site and dropping a note in the comments as well. After all, he came up with this creative [and rather humorous] link bait… erm, I mean competition.

And now, if you will excuse me, I’m going to go wipe the brown off my nose, swish with some Listerine, and get back to casting my votes. Great link bait… erm, I mean competition Mike!

Don’t forget to cast your vote. I’ve included the following reminder to help you in the voting process.

Thanks for the votes!

[1] Don’t worry guys, you’re vision and appetite will return to normal in a few hours.
[2] Let me know when I can stop. All this ass kissing is leaving a bad taste in my mouth.

Here is how to make a favorite Christmas Cookie.

Christmas Cookie Ingredients:
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup brown sugar
lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 cup of nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle of Captain Morgan

First, sample the Captain to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Captain again, to be sure it is of the highest quality. Pour one level cup of Captain and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer…Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar Beat again. At this point it’s best to make sure the Captain is still OK..try another cup…just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuk in the cup of dried froot. Pick the frigging froot off the floor. Mix on the turner. If the fried droit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the Captain to check for tonsisticity .

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who giveshz a sheet. Check the Captain. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don’t forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Maptain Corgan and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.

CHERRY MISTMAS

Source: Forwarded email from a friend.